Breaking the Habits that Hold you Back

Forget for a moment all that you have learned about commitment to your goals, all every relative or friend has ever said to you, and all the things you regularly say to yourself. If you have struggled with reaching your goals do what I recommend all my clients do, “commit to doing something different.”

Perfectionism: Are you stuck because you will settle for nothing but perfect from the first moment you start?
Habit Breaker: The perfect cure for perfectionism is failure. Fail…, flamboyantly, beautifully, even… perfectly. Test drive doing things poorly. If you are feeling blocked or stuck starting a new project, give yourself permission to do it wrong -even embrace your not knowing. There is freedom and joy to be found in this phase. If the price seems to be too large. Try messing something up that is totally free from consequence.

Should’s: The “should’s” in life can get so overwhelming that we don’t even know that we are living by them.
Habit Breaker: A way to see if “should’s” are dominating your choices is writing down your ideal. If you could have anything that you wanted, what would it be? Set your spirit free. Compare this ideal to what you are working for right now. How are they the same? How are they different? Take a moment to think about why you think things need to be this way. What might you change knowing this?

Taking yourself out of the solution: Have you created an answer to your problem that does not include your personal preferences or ways of doing things? We often look for solutions that have worked for other people and although this sometimes works sometimes it does not.
Habit Breaker: Ask yourself: Do I really want this goal? If the answer is yes, then ask: What is the easiest step for me to take? And, what is the easiest time for me to take this step.

Wrong direction: Do you feel like you are trying to move a mountain? Do you feel drained and doubtful? Sometimes we set out in a direction only to find that it is not the way we really need to go. The trick is telling between the wrong direction and our own doubts and fears.
Habit breaker: Take a moment and close your eyes. Think about your goal. Pay attention to your current goal. What sensations do you feel in your body? With some work, these sensations can be translated into a knowledge that will help you determine how you can best proceed.  Although this approach takes time, once mastered it can change your life.

Timing: All the best effort can be lost in the wrong timing. Creating the right timing is nurturing the flow of your life. Determining whether you have picked the right time for your endeavor is contingent on outside factors. In other words, is the moment or situation receptive to what you are doing or offering? If you planted tomatoes in the fall they would not survive. Likewise a project or goal will not be successful at the wrong time.
Habit Breaker: Take a moment to consider all the factors. Do you need to move a little faster or a little slower? Have you provided enough time for your plans to grow and become established? Do your efforts and your desired results line up? If the answer is no, then make an adjustment. Keep trying until you are certain that you are on the mark.

Success: First Steps

Our success, whether it is a lifetime goal or a goal for the year, hinges on our ability to create an accomplishable plan to get there. One of the reasons that change is difficult for people is because they see such a big gap between where they are and their goal. This perceived distance can feel overwhelming and frustrating. But, big things happen step by step. Usually, there is one piece to the puzzle that once in place makes the goal much more achievable. The following paragraphs offer some problem solving tips aimed at helping you figure out and follow through on your plan.

How do I pick the right step? Ask yourself: What is one step that I can take today that will lead me closer to where I want to be? Remember there is no substitution for doing. If you want to be a writer, write every day. If you want to lose weight then commit to using the stairs every day at work or skipping your morning snack.

I can’t get started. Perhaps, you picked a first step but day after day is going by and you are not doing it. Did you pick a first step that is something you hate doing?  Did you say that you are going to work on your business plan at six am in the morning when you like to sleep until at least eight? Or, did you decide that you are going to tackle the hardest part of a project in order to prove that it is the right way for you to proceed? Make it easier. Pick something you know you can do fairly easily and then make it your number one priority. After you have some successes, these challenging steps will become easier too.

I quickly lose interest. There are lots of reasons that people lose interest. One is perfectionism, which leads to setting very high goals that quickly burn the person out. Sometimes people, with the best of intentions, decide that they are going to go to the gym for 2 hours each day or they are going to have their first individual show in six months when they just started painting last week. Such ambitious plans are not necessarily bad. It is great to dream big but not when that holds you back rather than sets you free. Consistent small steps are almost always more effective in the long term.

I’ll never be good enough: Julia Cameron describes this predicament though the following short story: There is a sixty-year old woman who has always wanted to play the piano. When asked why she does not start learning she says, “You know how old I will be when I finally learn.” She is answered, “The same age you will be if you don’t.” If you really want to do something, start today.
Sometimes we hold onto a dream that you held onto since we were twenty but the truth now is that you wouldn’t want it if you got it. Sometimes, it is hard to let go of something that has inspired us for so long. But if you let go let go of the dream then a new one can come in that is in line with the person you are today

If you are still not sure how to proceed, don’t worry. This may be a time to seek some outside support. Talk to a friend or colleague and help each other develop a successful plan. Or, try a coach.  Coaches are trained to help you clarify your goals, determine next steps, and develop a plan.

Balancing Your Life as a Working Parent

Without a doubt one of the most difficult issues encountered by parents with children is balance. This article discusses four areas to focus on to help keep your sanity.

Get organized: The more time pressures you have the more important it is that you are well organized. Despite what is sometimes said, there is no one way for every parent to stay organized; however, there are some golden rules:

• Don’t do it if it does not need to be done: This may mean that your standards for what clean means might change with your new found priorities.
• Use a List: Keep an up-to-date list of what needs to be done next on hand at all times. There are many times to get things done, which do not become that apparent unless you are this organized.
• Prioritize: Make sure that you do things in the order of “most important” to “least important.” Remember, even thought you are doing it all you can’t do it all perfectly –there is only so much time in the day.

Get help: If you are a working parent, Any help that get from family, friends or other mom’s will make your life quite a bit easier.

• Get clear on what you need. Figure out your top 3-5 difficulties and develop plans to lessen their challenges.
• Ask: Tell your friends and family what you need.
• Be Creative: If you are not fortunate enough to have this level of support or even if you are, hang a flyer at your local community center or put a posting up on reputable internet sites and try to connect to other women who are also in your situation so that you can help each other.

Take Care of yourself: You are now the central role model in your child’s life. How you care for yourself does not just have an impact on how much energy you have to raise your child it also sends a message to your child about how your child should treat him or herself. Make sure that you incorporate time to take care of yourself into your plans.

• Eat right: Make eating healthy food simple and always available.
• Balance rest and activity: Get adequate sleep and make sure you exercise.
• Social time: Make time to spend with family and friends who are above waist high.
• Alone time:  It is also important to schedule breaks –time just to yourself.

Seek Council: It is not always possible to see what you should do, whether your life is in balance, or whether you made the best choices in the last round parenting challenges. Having alternative viewpoints and support can make the process a lot easier. It might be helpful to say: I wish I had someone who could help me…? And, then find someone who can stand in that role

• Friendly support: Put together a group of 3-5 adults who can act as a council for you. This might be a seasoned parent with similar views or a friend at the same stage of parenting.
• Professional support: Sometimes it even makes sense to bring in professional help. You may enlist a therapist or a coach who works with working parents.

Working with Fear

Inevitability when people are attempting to chance their lives, they hit a wall of fear. When asked about it, they might say things like: I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life, or what I want comes at to high of a price. Fear is a normal response to change. Instead of thinking that fear is a sign that you are doing something wrong try finding ways of acknowledging your fears and persisting in the face of them. If you are uncertain how to do that, try some of these ideas:

to how you respond to feeling fear. Fear can be sneaky. It can show up as confusion, anger, and apathy. Sometimes when asked if they are afraid, a person will not identify it as fear but instead as another emotion. Learn your own habits and this awareness will help you move forward.

What is at risk? If you set a goal and then find that you are not moving towards it look for how you might be afraid of either achieving or not achieving the outcome. This question, which is frequently asked in shadowwork sessions, can also point to beliefs or contracts that a person made with himself, herself, or others. It means what is the perceived or emotional risk in moving forward.

Take care of yourself: This step appears again and again when it comes to reaching our goals. It is based on the idea that we should not do harm to ourselves. If the situation feels risky find a way to give yourself some security. It is important that we stretch toward out goals and it is important that we don’t break.

How would you act if you were not afraid? This solution may sound a bit simplistic but it is also sometimes effective. If you do not have the answer to this question then look around for someone who seems like they might and try it on for size.

Keep you eye on your goal: Fear can be a sign that you really want something. One way to find the strength to achieve you goal is to really lock in on how important it is to you. This can help you deal with the discomfort that fear instills.

Let it out: Tell someone who is supportive. For whatever reason, fear multiplies when we keep it inside. Let the people who are really supportive of you know how you are feeling and your fear may wane.

Is medication the best treatment for your depression?

Many people who suffer from depression wonder, “Why am I depressed?” and “What is wrong with me?” With the increase of psychotropic drugs, many people wonder if their problem is biologically based or whether it is the result of the events of their lives. Even when asking professionals about the origin of their depression, people are likely to get many conflicting responses. Some professionals will claim that it is strictly biological and should be treated with medication. While other professionals say that medication is a last resort and may cover up or distort the origin of the problem.

The fact of the matter is, that we are still learning, both about the human body and the human psyche and collectively we only have guesses – some more accurate than others—as to the nature of depression.

However, there are some things that are important to know…

1.    There is a biological component to depression.

2.    Medication is helpful in treating this biological component but essential only in severe cases.

3.    Medication is not a complete solution. It has been proven that a medication works best in conjunction with therapy.

4.    Therapeutic approaches are varied and all of them will have some effect on the depression.

5.    The best therapist is one with which the client feels comfortable working. (See picking a therapist)

6.    The best therapeutic modality is one that is aligned with the client’s world view and value system. (See picking a therapeutic modality)

In the end, the treatment needs to be something that those suffering from depression can live with.  It might not be possible to figure this out right at the beginning. It may take time and working with different treatment options before a solution is found. It is most important for a person with depression to know that he or she does not need to suffer from depression for the rest of his or her life. A situational depression will subside in time. Other forms of depression can be effectively treated and managed. There is hope and the possibility of living a depression free life.

Effective Tools for Understanding and Working with Anger

The emotion of anger occupies an importance place in our lives. It tells us when a belief has been violated or a physical boundary crossed. However, how to express our anger is often something with which we struggle. This article offers three strategies for working with anger and how to judge if you are expressing it in a way that is clean and relationship affirming.

Understanding Anger: Sometimes, we are held back by our inability to understand why we are angry. There is a simple technique base on Albert Ellis’s work that helps us clarify the origin of our anger. It is the ABC’s of anger:

A = Action: The behavior that is seen as being responsible for the anger.
B = Belief: The interpretation of the behavior by the person feeling angry.
C = Consequence: The result of the interpretation of this belief.

This simple process can help you understand the reasons for your feelings and as a result make it easier for you to communicate your experience.

Clean Anger: If you are uncertain when you are expressing clean anger and when you are not the following clarifications might be helpful

Clean Anger:
Attempts to inform and communicate
Takes responsibility
Is short in duration
Does not exclude other emotions
Is not violent

Communicating Anger: The final part of effectively working with anger is communication. There are many effective communication models, however the following covers the essence of many of these models:

1.    State the data or information about the triggering event (Do not include interpretation)
2.    State how you feel about it (use clear feeling words)
3.    State what you would like to have happen (make your request possible)

In order to be able to apply these strategies, a person will frequently need to give herself or himself time. If you find that you are overwhelmed by anger, separate yourself from the situation as gracefully as possible before applying these strategies. It is better to take this time, than harm another person.  Over time your responses to feeling anger will become much healthier and easier.

Six Tools for Decreasing Anxiety

In the course of one’s life almost everyone deals with the feeling of anxiety. Sometime this anxiety is relatively mild and sometimes it is severe. Sometimes it makes us uncomfortable and sometimes it stops us from doing things we really want to do. How we can best mitigate the challenges of our anxiety depends on how severe it is. This newsletter simplifies the experience of anxiety by putting it into three categories mild, moderate, and severe and then offers some ideas for working with each of these levels of anxiety.

Mild Anxiety
Mild anxiety might make your body tense and your mind unsettled. It might leave you stumbling over your words or stumbling over your feet. People frequently experience this type of anxiety when preparing for a performance, a test, or in unfamiliar social situations. The most common mistake people make when dealing with mild anxiety is sometimes the way they interpret this feeling of mild anxiety. For example, you might tell yourself that there is something wrong with you for feeling this way. When in fact, at this level, anxiety is quite similar to excitement. Some tools for working with mild anxiety are:

Tool #1: Keep breathing. Use long slow breaths to calm your body.
Tool #2: Think Positively. Train your mind to focus on positive outcomes verses negative ones.
Tool #3: Compare body cues. Next time you are excited pay attention to how your body feels see how it is similar and different to when you feel anxious.

Moderate Anxiety
When a person starts to feel a moderate level of anxiety the similarity between excitement and anxiety starts to fade. Moderate anxiety begins to inhibit the person in such a way that they are no longer able to function satisfactorily. Over time, experiencing anxiety of this level might stop a person from engaging in the activity at all. The most common mistake people make at this level of anxiety is to think that they must either fix the problem on the spot or it will continue to be a problem for ever. The opposite is actually true. It takes consistent work, even when one is not feeling anxious, to help shift moderate anxiety. Here are some tools to start with.

Tool #4: Use breath and meditation daily to calm and relax the body.
Tool #5: Use a STOP. Every time you catch yourself in an anxious cycle. Envisions a stop sign and mentally say, “stop.” This cognitive behavioral technique actually slows the frequency of anxious thoughts.
Tool #6: Rationalize. Is it possible that when you feel this way you make things out to be worse than they are? Try to think rationally about the situation. Is it really likely to be as bad as you are thinking it might be?

Severe Anxiety
Anyone who has a phobia or has dealt with a panic attack knows that they are dealing with a very strong feeling of fear that can feel impossible to overcome. Even worse, once one has identified the problem, the anxiety about the anxiety can become a problem unto itself. There is not quick fix for severe anxiety and it requires the attention of a qualified professional. However, along with that attention all of the above techniques can be used help lessen the impact of sever anxiety.

Introduction

I am writing this blog for the people who are yearning for their souls to dance. I am writing for the people who feel the weight of their lives and their choices and in some fundamental way are concerned that this might be all that there is. I am starting this at a time when many people’s notions of security have been challenged, when the outlook that was once graciously positive is becoming ungraciously bleak. A time when many people’s incomes are threatened or have been lost, when it is becoming evident to more and more of us that what we have been doing up to now is no longer working. Many of us cannot continue on blindly and so there are challenges –challenges to open our eyes.

But, I do not write from a place of pessimism or of spiritual tyranny. I do not believe in tales of Armageddon –only tales of healing. However, from the perspective that there is healing, there is also sickness. And each and every one of us has experienced this sickness in some way. So, I am writing from a place of inspiration and love. I am hoping that my words will carry these messages through all of your resistances and into your depths and that once there they will reweave the splits that have become intrinsic to our experiences.

I offer my words and this space as a bridge connecting you to what your soul is reaching for. I will offer, tools, thoughts, and techniques for helping you along in your growth. I believe that you know what to do. I believe you know what is right for you and if and what type of healing you would like to see in your life. I offer my self in service of this healing, your healing, and our healing.