No way out vs. possibility

It is very common for clients walking in my office to say to me that they feel trapped by their life and they just can’t seem to make the changes that they know they want to make. They say they want things to be different but they just don’t see how it is possible. Perhaps, you have found yourself thinking this way as well.
The bottom line is, that whether you are aware of it or not, everything that you have at this moment required that you followed a series of steps. Getting what you really want is no different. So….

The real question is: On what level can you make a change now? Regardless of the goal, or even if you do not clearly know what the goal is, there is almost always a step that can be taken to start the energy moving in the desired direction. This movement of energy should not be underestimated. It is the beginning –the first steps.  Below, there are five steps to get you moving when you are feeling stuck.

First steps for getting what you want:
Connect to what you want: Don’t worry about the specifics. Connect to the feeling of what you want, its essence, and how it will feel for you to have it be apart of your life. Become as aware as possible of this feeling.

Look for a mismatch. Look for any part of your life that is not in line with this desire. Of course, the more closely related this part of your life is to what you want, the more powerful the action will be. But, anything, and everything, is helpful.

Do it. Take action. The more stuck you feel, the less you should worry about what the action is and the more you should concern yourself with making sure you do something.

Pay attention. Pay close attention while you do it. This is key. In order to make a positive shift in your life, you want to follow the clues. These clues are found in the action itself and the feelings and thoughts connected to it. In other words, the awareness that you developed in the first step, when added to an action related to your goal, will result in insights.  These insights are clues that will show you the reason the goal has eluded you for so long, as well as, present opportunities for change.

Work with your insights to form your next steps. As you become more and more skillful at using this process, you will see more and more possibilities where you previously saw no way out.

Success: Overcoming the Top 3 Most Limiting Habits

There are some habits that get in the way of our taking our next steps and achieving our goal. This article addresses three common limiting habits: negative self-talk, fear, and disbelief and suggests alternative behaviors that are more supportive of the success you desire.

Negative self-talk: For whatever reason, many people try to motivate themselves through being critical and negative. Some people already are familiar with these critical voices, but for others they are still hidden and need to be recognized. Regardless, if you have been resisting a change that your really know is best for you, chances are you are engaging in some type of negative self talk.

Fear: Inevitably when people are attempting to change their lives they hit a wall of fear. When asked about it, they say things like: I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life, or what I want comes at too high of a price.  Remember fear is a normal response to change. Instead of thinking that fear is a sign that you are doing something wrong try finding ways of acknowledging your fears and persisting in the face of them.

Disbelief: I am sure that you have heard the expression that success is a habit. Well it is accurate. Some of us were fortunate enough to learn the habit as we grew up, some of us learned it but only in certain areas of our live, and some of us did not get the information we needed to thrive. But success, in whatever way you see it, does not need to be elusive anymore. With the right information and the right support, you can have the live you have most deeply wanted.

Try the following behaviors as a substitution for these limiting habits:

1. Reward yourself for your daily accomplishments rather than beat yourself up for where you have fallen short of your goals.
2. Be more objective with your criticism. Pretend that you are giving advice to a dear friend.
3. Look for the positive. If voices, inside or outside, are telling you your dream is not possible, look for people or situations that prove that wrong.
4. Gather support. You do not have to do it alone. Find the people in  your life who are able to be supportive of you and your goal and tell them how you are feeling.
5. Take small steps. Make your next action so easy that even your strongest limiting habits can’t stop you.

In the end, it is better to taker a closer look at your limiting habits rather than to try and push them away. Your negative thoughts and feelings are powerful doorways to deeply understanding yourself and developing compassion. When done in a healthy way, paying attention to your limiting habits can be a key to your transformation.

Success: Solutions to Three Common Stumbling Blocks

People choose coaching for many reasons. Often, it is because deep inside they want something more than what they have but they don’t completely understand what it is or they can’t see the way to make it happen. Even when someone is certain about the direction they want their life to take, there are moments of disillusionment and apathy. In the complex experience of life, it is difficult sometimes to feel confident in anything. In this section, I respond to some common statements I hear from my clients when we start to discuss their larger visions. After each statement, I offer some ideas on how to get past each block.

“I have no idea where to start. Or, I do not have a deep sense of purpose in my life.”

A way to get started is to do more of what you love. If you are still unclear, make a list of all the things that you like to do. One by one, find time to do them. If you want to assess whether you are headed in the right direction with your choices, notice if you are engaged and excited with what you are doing. If you are engaged most of the time, then chances are you are going the right way.

Figuring out what we want to do is not always as simple as just doing what we love. Sometimes our habits prevent us from enjoying ourselves or even knowing what we might enjoy. Please see may article Limiting Habits if you would like more insights into this topic.

“I thought I loved this but all the joy is gone.”

This statement sometimes means that the vision itself needs adjustment but just as frequently this statement indicates that part of the process needs to be adjusted. Making this change may require getting to know yourself better. We get so used to living by outside demands that sometimes we forget that there are other ways to get things done that might be better for us. Take some time to consider other possibilities. You might even enlist a friend to help come up with other ways of looking at or doing things.

Perhaps it is fear that is getting in your way. People have many responses to fear and one is to go numb. To help understand your fear, ask yourself: what is at risk if you attain you ideal vision for your life?

“I think I know what I want to do but I don’t think that I have the skills necessary.”

Ask your self whether this statement is actually, objectively true? List the skills that are necessary for what you want to do. Check those that you possess. Are those that you don’t learnable?

What if the gap between your skills and those necessary seems all too real? For example, you want to be a major league pitcher but can’t throw a ball a yard, even after years of practice. Ask yourself: why you are focused on a vision for your life that is not aligned with your real abilities? Chances are this is a self-defeating belief pattern where you are setting yourself up to fail.

Or perhaps the answer is that you don’t need to do it all yourself. Sometimes the best solution is doing what you do well and then partnering someone who can do with ease what you can’t.

Balancing Your Life as a Working Parent

Without a doubt one of the most difficult issues encountered by parents with children is balance. This article discusses four areas to focus on to help keep your sanity.

Get organized: The more time pressures you have the more important it is that you are well organized. Despite what is sometimes said, there is no one way for every parent to stay organized; however, there are some golden rules:

• Don’t do it if it does not need to be done: This may mean that your standards for what clean means might change with your new found priorities.
• Use a List: Keep an up-to-date list of what needs to be done next on hand at all times. There are many times to get things done, which do not become that apparent unless you are this organized.
• Prioritize: Make sure that you do things in the order of “most important” to “least important.” Remember, even thought you are doing it all you can’t do it all perfectly –there is only so much time in the day.

Get help: If you are a working parent, Any help that get from family, friends or other mom’s will make your life quite a bit easier.

• Get clear on what you need. Figure out your top 3-5 difficulties and develop plans to lessen their challenges.
• Ask: Tell your friends and family what you need.
• Be Creative: If you are not fortunate enough to have this level of support or even if you are, hang a flyer at your local community center or put a posting up on reputable internet sites and try to connect to other women who are also in your situation so that you can help each other.

Take Care of yourself: You are now the central role model in your child’s life. How you care for yourself does not just have an impact on how much energy you have to raise your child it also sends a message to your child about how your child should treat him or herself. Make sure that you incorporate time to take care of yourself into your plans.

• Eat right: Make eating healthy food simple and always available.
• Balance rest and activity: Get adequate sleep and make sure you exercise.
• Social time: Make time to spend with family and friends who are above waist high.
• Alone time:  It is also important to schedule breaks –time just to yourself.

Seek Council: It is not always possible to see what you should do, whether your life is in balance, or whether you made the best choices in the last round parenting challenges. Having alternative viewpoints and support can make the process a lot easier. It might be helpful to say: I wish I had someone who could help me…? And, then find someone who can stand in that role

• Friendly support: Put together a group of 3-5 adults who can act as a council for you. This might be a seasoned parent with similar views or a friend at the same stage of parenting.
• Professional support: Sometimes it even makes sense to bring in professional help. You may enlist a therapist or a coach who works with working parents.

Working with Fear

Inevitability when people are attempting to chance their lives, they hit a wall of fear. When asked about it, they might say things like: I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life, or what I want comes at to high of a price. Fear is a normal response to change. Instead of thinking that fear is a sign that you are doing something wrong try finding ways of acknowledging your fears and persisting in the face of them. If you are uncertain how to do that, try some of these ideas:

to how you respond to feeling fear. Fear can be sneaky. It can show up as confusion, anger, and apathy. Sometimes when asked if they are afraid, a person will not identify it as fear but instead as another emotion. Learn your own habits and this awareness will help you move forward.

What is at risk? If you set a goal and then find that you are not moving towards it look for how you might be afraid of either achieving or not achieving the outcome. This question, which is frequently asked in shadowwork sessions, can also point to beliefs or contracts that a person made with himself, herself, or others. It means what is the perceived or emotional risk in moving forward.

Take care of yourself: This step appears again and again when it comes to reaching our goals. It is based on the idea that we should not do harm to ourselves. If the situation feels risky find a way to give yourself some security. It is important that we stretch toward out goals and it is important that we don’t break.

How would you act if you were not afraid? This solution may sound a bit simplistic but it is also sometimes effective. If you do not have the answer to this question then look around for someone who seems like they might and try it on for size.

Keep you eye on your goal: Fear can be a sign that you really want something. One way to find the strength to achieve you goal is to really lock in on how important it is to you. This can help you deal with the discomfort that fear instills.

Let it out: Tell someone who is supportive. For whatever reason, fear multiplies when we keep it inside. Let the people who are really supportive of you know how you are feeling and your fear may wane.

Effective Tools for Understanding and Working with Anger

The emotion of anger occupies an importance place in our lives. It tells us when a belief has been violated or a physical boundary crossed. However, how to express our anger is often something with which we struggle. This article offers three strategies for working with anger and how to judge if you are expressing it in a way that is clean and relationship affirming.

Understanding Anger: Sometimes, we are held back by our inability to understand why we are angry. There is a simple technique base on Albert Ellis’s work that helps us clarify the origin of our anger. It is the ABC’s of anger:

A = Action: The behavior that is seen as being responsible for the anger.
B = Belief: The interpretation of the behavior by the person feeling angry.
C = Consequence: The result of the interpretation of this belief.

This simple process can help you understand the reasons for your feelings and as a result make it easier for you to communicate your experience.

Clean Anger: If you are uncertain when you are expressing clean anger and when you are not the following clarifications might be helpful

Clean Anger:
Attempts to inform and communicate
Takes responsibility
Is short in duration
Does not exclude other emotions
Is not violent

Communicating Anger: The final part of effectively working with anger is communication. There are many effective communication models, however the following covers the essence of many of these models:

1.    State the data or information about the triggering event (Do not include interpretation)
2.    State how you feel about it (use clear feeling words)
3.    State what you would like to have happen (make your request possible)

In order to be able to apply these strategies, a person will frequently need to give herself or himself time. If you find that you are overwhelmed by anger, separate yourself from the situation as gracefully as possible before applying these strategies. It is better to take this time, than harm another person.  Over time your responses to feeling anger will become much healthier and easier.

Introduction

I am writing this blog for the people who are yearning for their souls to dance. I am writing for the people who feel the weight of their lives and their choices and in some fundamental way are concerned that this might be all that there is. I am starting this at a time when many people’s notions of security have been challenged, when the outlook that was once graciously positive is becoming ungraciously bleak. A time when many people’s incomes are threatened or have been lost, when it is becoming evident to more and more of us that what we have been doing up to now is no longer working. Many of us cannot continue on blindly and so there are challenges –challenges to open our eyes.

But, I do not write from a place of pessimism or of spiritual tyranny. I do not believe in tales of Armageddon –only tales of healing. However, from the perspective that there is healing, there is also sickness. And each and every one of us has experienced this sickness in some way. So, I am writing from a place of inspiration and love. I am hoping that my words will carry these messages through all of your resistances and into your depths and that once there they will reweave the splits that have become intrinsic to our experiences.

I offer my words and this space as a bridge connecting you to what your soul is reaching for. I will offer, tools, thoughts, and techniques for helping you along in your growth. I believe that you know what to do. I believe you know what is right for you and if and what type of healing you would like to see in your life. I offer my self in service of this healing, your healing, and our healing.