No way out vs. possibility

It is very common for clients walking in my office to say to me that they feel trapped by their life and they just can’t seem to make the changes that they know they want to make. They say they want things to be different but they just don’t see how it is possible. Perhaps, you have found yourself thinking this way as well.
The bottom line is, that whether you are aware of it or not, everything that you have at this moment required that you followed a series of steps. Getting what you really want is no different. So….

The real question is: On what level can you make a change now? Regardless of the goal, or even if you do not clearly know what the goal is, there is almost always a step that can be taken to start the energy moving in the desired direction. This movement of energy should not be underestimated. It is the beginning –the first steps.  Below, there are five steps to get you moving when you are feeling stuck.

First steps for getting what you want:
Connect to what you want: Don’t worry about the specifics. Connect to the feeling of what you want, its essence, and how it will feel for you to have it be apart of your life. Become as aware as possible of this feeling.

Look for a mismatch. Look for any part of your life that is not in line with this desire. Of course, the more closely related this part of your life is to what you want, the more powerful the action will be. But, anything, and everything, is helpful.

Do it. Take action. The more stuck you feel, the less you should worry about what the action is and the more you should concern yourself with making sure you do something.

Pay attention. Pay close attention while you do it. This is key. In order to make a positive shift in your life, you want to follow the clues. These clues are found in the action itself and the feelings and thoughts connected to it. In other words, the awareness that you developed in the first step, when added to an action related to your goal, will result in insights.  These insights are clues that will show you the reason the goal has eluded you for so long, as well as, present opportunities for change.

Work with your insights to form your next steps. As you become more and more skillful at using this process, you will see more and more possibilities where you previously saw no way out.

Summer Workshop Series

LARGER VISIONS
Summer Workshop Series
6-8:30 Tuesdays
$45 per workshop with advanced registration
$60 at door if space is available
info@largervisions.com
401.654.4618

June 23rd Family Constellations with Dan Booth Cohen Release familial patterns with the family constellations method. We think of ourselves as individuals who have problems, not recognizing how we mindlessly repeat the grief, guilt and aggression that runs through our families. Dan brings intuition, knowledge, and compassion to resolve the wounds that exert a powerful, automatic influence on our thoughts, feelings and actions.

JUNE 30TH Women Rise Up: Transformative Ritual with Alisa Starkweather Are you ready to fully know your power and your innate gifts? Are you tired of some of the systems that you deal with every day? This workshop will open you to possibilities you have barely dreamed of. Connect to your self and other women through the profound work of international ritualist and women’s empowerment leader Alisa Starkweather. Open the door to the personal and global transformation you crave.

JULY 7TH Unstuck Your Sensual Self; Ignite Pleasure and Desire with Amy Jo Goddard MA What is holding you back from experiencing pleasure and desire in your life? How can you rekindle flames of desire that might be smothered right now? What are the things that make you feel most alive? How can you work to bring those aspects of your life into greater alignment with how you live on a day-to-day basis?

JULY 14TH Jealousy and Judgment: Making Space to Love Yourself with Joanna Lindenbaum MA How often do you compare yourself to others? Are you critical of them? Do you feel bad about yourself and wish you had what others had? In the search to find and claim self-love and confidence, it is quite common to look outwards – instead of inwards – and compare yourself to others. These comparisons lead to feelings of anger, sadness and anxiety, and leave us with a sense that something integral is missing deep inside. Come to this workshop ready to honestly explore your relationships and your judgments in order to uncover the amazing depth of love you have stored deep inside.

AUGUST 4TH Family Constellations with Dan Booth Cohen Release familial patterns with the family constellations method. We think of ourselves as individuals who have problems, not recognizing how we mindlessly repeat the grief, guilt and aggression that runs through our families. Dan brings intuition, knowledge, and compassion to resolve the wounds that exert a powerful, automatic influence on our thoughts, feelings and actions.

AUGUST 11TH Great Big Sexy Orgasms: How to create more pleasure all the time with Amy Jo Goddard MA In this fun, interactive workshop we’ll take a revolutionary look at women’s sexual pleasure and orgasms and talk about how to get what we want sexually. What is a G-Spot and how do I find it? Is the clitoris more complex than the “pea-sized nub” we often hear about? How do I learn to ejaculate? Have more satisfying orgasms? We’ll answer these questions and many others about female bodies and pleasure, demystify women’s sexual anatomy and learn how to have the most pleasure, the most fun, and the biggest orgasms—or provide them for our partners.. Attendees can decide how much to participate but it will be guaranteed fun! For women and their partners, there’s no reason not to come!

AUGUST 18TH Your Life Now: Living from the Essential Self with Kate Siner Francis Ph.D Do you sometimes feel your life to be a series of similar and uninteresting days? Do you feel stuck or blocked? Do you suffer from depression or anxiety and even wonder what is the point of it all? Many people erroneously believe that healing means the relief of symptoms; but, one of the greatest gifts of healing and therapeutic work is to deeply connect to one’s essence. And, one of the greatest gifts of life is to maintain that connection and use it as your source in everything that you do. Come to this workshop and learn how to live YOUR LIFE now.

AUGUST 25TH Family Constellations with Dan Booth Cohen Release familial patterns with the family constellations method. We think of ourselves as individuals who have problems, not recognizing how we mindlessly repeat the grief, guilt and aggression that runs through our families. Dan brings intuition, knowledge, and compassion to resolve the wounds that exert a powerful, automatic influence on our thoughts, feelings and actions.

Teacher Bios
ALisa Starkweather founded the women’s mystery school, the Priestess Path Apprenticeship in 1998 out of her belief that women are an important part of the change that we need today in our ailing world. She believes women need strong containers to embody an archetype that includes one’s power, spirituality, and innate gifts. Priestess Path is an opportunity for a woman to connect with the earth and to challenge her own belief of what is possible. Twenty-three years of dedication to women’s empowerment gave her a reputation where she is known for her passionate archetypal work that focuses on transformation, healing, community, ritual and the rebalancing of the sacred feminine.

Dan Booth Cohen Ph.D is a Constellation facilitator practicing in metropolitan Boston. He has had a diverse career as a business owner, corporate executive, author, peace activist and counselor over the past 30 years. He was co-founder of Pequod Associates, Inc., which grew to be the United States’ leading provider of energy and water conservation engineering services. Dan has been involved in Constellation work since 2000. He trained with Bert Hellinger through the Hellinger Institute, USA in 2002 and regularly travels to Europe for additional training and supervision. He has been the liaison between Hellinger and Elias Jabbour’s House of Hope International Peace Center in Israel and also produced Hellinger’s historic 2004 talk at Fordham University.

Amy Jo Goddard MA is a sexuality educator & trainer, writer, performing artist and activist. A professional trainer of sexuality professionals, medical students, college students and youth for over thirteen years now, she has taught courses relating to sexuality at the City University of New York and the University of California at Santa Barbara. Amy Jo has taught breast and pelvic exams to medical/nursing students for 8 years and she is director/producer of the forthcoming documentary, At Your Cervix, a film that depicts this unusual work (www.atyourcervixmovie.com). Amy Jo was host of CherryBomb.com’s web stream program “Fresh Advice,” developing, researching, writing and performing over 60 episodes on women’s sexuality. She is co-author of Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men and is a contributing author of All About Sex: A Family Resource Guide on Sex and Sexuality. Her article about queer performance artists and activism was published in 2007 in the Social Justice Journal and she has been published in numerous other publications including LOFT and Bust Magazine. She maintains a private sex coaching practice and travels to colleges, universities and conferences teaching workshops and speaking about sexuality. She is launching an intensive 6-month sexuality empowerment apprenticeship for women in the fall of 2009.

Kate Siner Francis Ph.D is a therapist, personal coach, artist, and writer. She has been training in and practicing healing and therapeutic work for the last 15 years. These 15 years included the study of bodywork, expressive arts, shamanic healing, ritual, counseling methods, counseling theories and the completion of her Ph.D in humanistic and transpersonal psychology. She is the founder of Larger Visions and the director of the Priestess Path Apprenticeship.She is currently working on her post graduate hours for state licensing in psychotherapy.

Joanna Lindenbaum MA, coaches busy women who are looking to nourish their creativity and take their lives to the next level. She partners with her clients to create vitality, passion, and fulfillment in their lives. She is director of Soulful Coaching for Busy Women, and has presented over 100 thought provoking workshops internationally, including seminars at Omega Institute, Renfrew Center, Womb & Belly Conference, and Womongathering. She has taught everywhere from NYC to Africa to Los Angeles to the Berkshires.

Overcoming your Disbelief

I am sure that you have heard the expression that success is a habit. Well it is accurate. Some of us were fortunate enough to learn the habit as we grew up, some of us learned it but only in certain areas of our live, and some of us did not get the information we needed to thrive and as a result success does not seem possible. But success, in whatever way you see it, does not need to be elusive anymore. With the right information and the right support, you can have the live you have most deeply wanted.

Steps to take to counteract a habit of disbelief:

• Dream: Set aside a half hour and imagine what things would be like were they exactly how you wanted to them to be. Write this down and reread it daily to help keep you on track.
• Get Help: Find someone who has figured out how to do what you most want to do and ask for his or her help with developing your plan.
• Take another look: Look at you life. Chances are there are many examples of how you proved your inner critic wrong. Not only does this prove that you can do it again but it also provides clues on how you can break through your own perceived boundaries.

If we are really mired in our disbelief that we can have what it is that we most deeply want then these suggestions can appear simplistic. If this is you, don’t let your disbelief win here as well. Give these suggestions a try!

It is also always possible that a person might be dealing with depression as well as a general sense of disbelief about their deepest wants and desires. If you have been feeling hopeless consitently for a long period of time, you might benefit from getting an assessment from a health care professional.

Success: What hold you back?

Frequently, when people are unable to reach their goals, they start to look for flaws in themselves in order to figure out what went wrong. They might remember every time that anyone ever told them that they “don’t have what it takes” or they “never follow through.” They might think, “what is wrong with me that I want these things but I am unable to sustain my focus on my goal long enough to get them.” If this sounds like you, then you might find the following information helpful.

Commitment
Chances are if you are loosing your drive and focus there are some habits, which are causing this, and not some fixed character flaws:

There are several reasons why we might lose our focus or drive.

Perfectionism: Perfectionist sometimes gives up before they even start. Their standards are so high that starting new tasks is difficult because there is no way to master something and begin it at the same time.

Should’s: Some people have come to believe that there are absolutes that are guiding their life. For example: a person believes that he or she should be an accountant instead of an artist because being an accountant is more responsible.

Taking yourself out of the solution: People often think that their success depend on their ability to do it the way that others have done it even if they are completely unlike the others in every way.

Wrong direction: Sometimes the lack of follow through has to do with having the wrong goal. Why work for something that underneath you are not sure if you want?

Timing: Perhaps, the steps you have planned to reach your goal are good but their order and timing is not. Sometimes things become difficult or get dropped because of this.

What you can do about it?

Sometimes just being aware of what we are doing helps us get back on track. Other times it is helpful to have a few tricks to help us. If you see some of these traits in yourself, think about what you might do differently. If you are still stuck, check out my post Breaking the Habits that Hold you Back for how to overcome these habits and get what you truly want.

Breaking the Habits that Hold you Back

Forget for a moment all that you have learned about commitment to your goals, all every relative or friend has ever said to you, and all the things you regularly say to yourself. If you have struggled with reaching your goals do what I recommend all my clients do, “commit to doing something different.”

Perfectionism: Are you stuck because you will settle for nothing but perfect from the first moment you start?
Habit Breaker: The perfect cure for perfectionism is failure. Fail…, flamboyantly, beautifully, even… perfectly. Test drive doing things poorly. If you are feeling blocked or stuck starting a new project, give yourself permission to do it wrong -even embrace your not knowing. There is freedom and joy to be found in this phase. If the price seems to be too large. Try messing something up that is totally free from consequence.

Should’s: The “should’s” in life can get so overwhelming that we don’t even know that we are living by them.
Habit Breaker: A way to see if “should’s” are dominating your choices is writing down your ideal. If you could have anything that you wanted, what would it be? Set your spirit free. Compare this ideal to what you are working for right now. How are they the same? How are they different? Take a moment to think about why you think things need to be this way. What might you change knowing this?

Taking yourself out of the solution: Have you created an answer to your problem that does not include your personal preferences or ways of doing things? We often look for solutions that have worked for other people and although this sometimes works sometimes it does not.
Habit Breaker: Ask yourself: Do I really want this goal? If the answer is yes, then ask: What is the easiest step for me to take? And, what is the easiest time for me to take this step.

Wrong direction: Do you feel like you are trying to move a mountain? Do you feel drained and doubtful? Sometimes we set out in a direction only to find that it is not the way we really need to go. The trick is telling between the wrong direction and our own doubts and fears.
Habit breaker: Take a moment and close your eyes. Think about your goal. Pay attention to your current goal. What sensations do you feel in your body? With some work, these sensations can be translated into a knowledge that will help you determine how you can best proceed.  Although this approach takes time, once mastered it can change your life.

Timing: All the best effort can be lost in the wrong timing. Creating the right timing is nurturing the flow of your life. Determining whether you have picked the right time for your endeavor is contingent on outside factors. In other words, is the moment or situation receptive to what you are doing or offering? If you planted tomatoes in the fall they would not survive. Likewise a project or goal will not be successful at the wrong time.
Habit Breaker: Take a moment to consider all the factors. Do you need to move a little faster or a little slower? Have you provided enough time for your plans to grow and become established? Do your efforts and your desired results line up? If the answer is no, then make an adjustment. Keep trying until you are certain that you are on the mark.

Benefits of Life Coaching

Did you ever say to yourself, “I wish I could…, or,  if only someone could help me figure this out…, or, the weeks, months, and years go by so quickly I can’t keep up…,  or possibly, why can’t I make this work?” Well, it is these types of feelings that are addressed through coaching.

Perhaps you have heard of life coaching, it is a relatively new field that has been gaining popularity because of its effectiveness. But perhaps like many people, you still do not know how coaching might help you or what you can expect to gain from getting a coach.

Life coaching is a transformative process where the results are driven by your effort and directly related to your personal goals. Coaching has many potential benefits. Here are just a few:

• Achievement of your personal goals
• Increased focus, organization, and effectiveness
• Ability to move beyond previous limitations
• Expanded understanding of one’s potential
• A more joyful and passionate life
• Increased self-awareness
• Stronger, healthier boundaries
• Personal empowerment
• Increased confidence and self-esteem
• Expanded creative expression
• Increased energy and sense of well-being

Life Coaching, through its regularly scheduled meetings with the coach, provides a format of action and reflection coupled with accountability. This combination helps you quickly realize the changes that may have previously seemed to challenging. Life coaching also provides other key ingredients for your success.

• Coaching provides support and motivation
• Coaching helps you plan and strategize.
• Coaching helps you more quickly see results.
• Coaching provides accountablity.
• Coaching can help you understand what you really want.
• Coaching helps you see your skills and talents, and how to apply them.
• Coaching also helps identify what traits and beliefs that stands in the the way of your success.
• Coaching provides a sounding board for your thoughts, feelings, and ideas

Choosing a life coaching is a commitment to your life and you’re your happiness. If you are still uncertain about whether it is right for you try a sample session or two. Since coaches believe that you know what is best for you, many of them offer a free, introductory, no obligation session so that interested people can discern whether the process of coaching and that coach is right for them.

Success: Overcoming the Top 3 Most Limiting Habits

There are some habits that get in the way of our taking our next steps and achieving our goal. This article addresses three common limiting habits: negative self-talk, fear, and disbelief and suggests alternative behaviors that are more supportive of the success you desire.

Negative self-talk: For whatever reason, many people try to motivate themselves through being critical and negative. Some people already are familiar with these critical voices, but for others they are still hidden and need to be recognized. Regardless, if you have been resisting a change that your really know is best for you, chances are you are engaging in some type of negative self talk.

Fear: Inevitably when people are attempting to change their lives they hit a wall of fear. When asked about it, they say things like: I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life, or what I want comes at too high of a price.  Remember fear is a normal response to change. Instead of thinking that fear is a sign that you are doing something wrong try finding ways of acknowledging your fears and persisting in the face of them.

Disbelief: I am sure that you have heard the expression that success is a habit. Well it is accurate. Some of us were fortunate enough to learn the habit as we grew up, some of us learned it but only in certain areas of our live, and some of us did not get the information we needed to thrive. But success, in whatever way you see it, does not need to be elusive anymore. With the right information and the right support, you can have the live you have most deeply wanted.

Try the following behaviors as a substitution for these limiting habits:

1. Reward yourself for your daily accomplishments rather than beat yourself up for where you have fallen short of your goals.
2. Be more objective with your criticism. Pretend that you are giving advice to a dear friend.
3. Look for the positive. If voices, inside or outside, are telling you your dream is not possible, look for people or situations that prove that wrong.
4. Gather support. You do not have to do it alone. Find the people in  your life who are able to be supportive of you and your goal and tell them how you are feeling.
5. Take small steps. Make your next action so easy that even your strongest limiting habits can’t stop you.

In the end, it is better to taker a closer look at your limiting habits rather than to try and push them away. Your negative thoughts and feelings are powerful doorways to deeply understanding yourself and developing compassion. When done in a healthy way, paying attention to your limiting habits can be a key to your transformation.

Success: Solutions to Three Common Stumbling Blocks

People choose coaching for many reasons. Often, it is because deep inside they want something more than what they have but they don’t completely understand what it is or they can’t see the way to make it happen. Even when someone is certain about the direction they want their life to take, there are moments of disillusionment and apathy. In the complex experience of life, it is difficult sometimes to feel confident in anything. In this section, I respond to some common statements I hear from my clients when we start to discuss their larger visions. After each statement, I offer some ideas on how to get past each block.

“I have no idea where to start. Or, I do not have a deep sense of purpose in my life.”

A way to get started is to do more of what you love. If you are still unclear, make a list of all the things that you like to do. One by one, find time to do them. If you want to assess whether you are headed in the right direction with your choices, notice if you are engaged and excited with what you are doing. If you are engaged most of the time, then chances are you are going the right way.

Figuring out what we want to do is not always as simple as just doing what we love. Sometimes our habits prevent us from enjoying ourselves or even knowing what we might enjoy. Please see may article Limiting Habits if you would like more insights into this topic.

“I thought I loved this but all the joy is gone.”

This statement sometimes means that the vision itself needs adjustment but just as frequently this statement indicates that part of the process needs to be adjusted. Making this change may require getting to know yourself better. We get so used to living by outside demands that sometimes we forget that there are other ways to get things done that might be better for us. Take some time to consider other possibilities. You might even enlist a friend to help come up with other ways of looking at or doing things.

Perhaps it is fear that is getting in your way. People have many responses to fear and one is to go numb. To help understand your fear, ask yourself: what is at risk if you attain you ideal vision for your life?

“I think I know what I want to do but I don’t think that I have the skills necessary.”

Ask your self whether this statement is actually, objectively true? List the skills that are necessary for what you want to do. Check those that you possess. Are those that you don’t learnable?

What if the gap between your skills and those necessary seems all too real? For example, you want to be a major league pitcher but can’t throw a ball a yard, even after years of practice. Ask yourself: why you are focused on a vision for your life that is not aligned with your real abilities? Chances are this is a self-defeating belief pattern where you are setting yourself up to fail.

Or perhaps the answer is that you don’t need to do it all yourself. Sometimes the best solution is doing what you do well and then partnering someone who can do with ease what you can’t.

Success: First Steps

Our success, whether it is a lifetime goal or a goal for the year, hinges on our ability to create an accomplishable plan to get there. One of the reasons that change is difficult for people is because they see such a big gap between where they are and their goal. This perceived distance can feel overwhelming and frustrating. But, big things happen step by step. Usually, there is one piece to the puzzle that once in place makes the goal much more achievable. The following paragraphs offer some problem solving tips aimed at helping you figure out and follow through on your plan.

How do I pick the right step? Ask yourself: What is one step that I can take today that will lead me closer to where I want to be? Remember there is no substitution for doing. If you want to be a writer, write every day. If you want to lose weight then commit to using the stairs every day at work or skipping your morning snack.

I can’t get started. Perhaps, you picked a first step but day after day is going by and you are not doing it. Did you pick a first step that is something you hate doing?  Did you say that you are going to work on your business plan at six am in the morning when you like to sleep until at least eight? Or, did you decide that you are going to tackle the hardest part of a project in order to prove that it is the right way for you to proceed? Make it easier. Pick something you know you can do fairly easily and then make it your number one priority. After you have some successes, these challenging steps will become easier too.

I quickly lose interest. There are lots of reasons that people lose interest. One is perfectionism, which leads to setting very high goals that quickly burn the person out. Sometimes people, with the best of intentions, decide that they are going to go to the gym for 2 hours each day or they are going to have their first individual show in six months when they just started painting last week. Such ambitious plans are not necessarily bad. It is great to dream big but not when that holds you back rather than sets you free. Consistent small steps are almost always more effective in the long term.

I’ll never be good enough: Julia Cameron describes this predicament though the following short story: There is a sixty-year old woman who has always wanted to play the piano. When asked why she does not start learning she says, “You know how old I will be when I finally learn.” She is answered, “The same age you will be if you don’t.” If you really want to do something, start today.
Sometimes we hold onto a dream that you held onto since we were twenty but the truth now is that you wouldn’t want it if you got it. Sometimes, it is hard to let go of something that has inspired us for so long. But if you let go let go of the dream then a new one can come in that is in line with the person you are today

If you are still not sure how to proceed, don’t worry. This may be a time to seek some outside support. Talk to a friend or colleague and help each other develop a successful plan. Or, try a coach.  Coaches are trained to help you clarify your goals, determine next steps, and develop a plan.

Balancing Your Life as a Working Parent

Without a doubt one of the most difficult issues encountered by parents with children is balance. This article discusses four areas to focus on to help keep your sanity.

Get organized: The more time pressures you have the more important it is that you are well organized. Despite what is sometimes said, there is no one way for every parent to stay organized; however, there are some golden rules:

• Don’t do it if it does not need to be done: This may mean that your standards for what clean means might change with your new found priorities.
• Use a List: Keep an up-to-date list of what needs to be done next on hand at all times. There are many times to get things done, which do not become that apparent unless you are this organized.
• Prioritize: Make sure that you do things in the order of “most important” to “least important.” Remember, even thought you are doing it all you can’t do it all perfectly –there is only so much time in the day.

Get help: If you are a working parent, Any help that get from family, friends or other mom’s will make your life quite a bit easier.

• Get clear on what you need. Figure out your top 3-5 difficulties and develop plans to lessen their challenges.
• Ask: Tell your friends and family what you need.
• Be Creative: If you are not fortunate enough to have this level of support or even if you are, hang a flyer at your local community center or put a posting up on reputable internet sites and try to connect to other women who are also in your situation so that you can help each other.

Take Care of yourself: You are now the central role model in your child’s life. How you care for yourself does not just have an impact on how much energy you have to raise your child it also sends a message to your child about how your child should treat him or herself. Make sure that you incorporate time to take care of yourself into your plans.

• Eat right: Make eating healthy food simple and always available.
• Balance rest and activity: Get adequate sleep and make sure you exercise.
• Social time: Make time to spend with family and friends who are above waist high.
• Alone time:  It is also important to schedule breaks –time just to yourself.

Seek Council: It is not always possible to see what you should do, whether your life is in balance, or whether you made the best choices in the last round parenting challenges. Having alternative viewpoints and support can make the process a lot easier. It might be helpful to say: I wish I had someone who could help me…? And, then find someone who can stand in that role

• Friendly support: Put together a group of 3-5 adults who can act as a council for you. This might be a seasoned parent with similar views or a friend at the same stage of parenting.
• Professional support: Sometimes it even makes sense to bring in professional help. You may enlist a therapist or a coach who works with working parents.